I am who i am

I am who I am and I can’t change it.. I could not change myself even if try to. I did try to change myself before because I know my own weakness but I could not make it last long cause I could not bear it.. Even if I succeed to change myself, sooner or later, the real me will just come out because it is not me. Someday you might find this thing out that but it is not now for sure and I hope it is not too late at that time. 

For now, I could only try not to go overboard and control myself but still sometimes, somehow I will accidently do or say what I should not and this hurts your feelings and I’m sorry about that. I just act as if I didn’t notice it when I hurt your feeling but actually I do. It is so obvious that you still keep in your heart what I did before because I noticed that your attitude towards me is different compare to last time. Couldn’t you forgive me sometimes? And sometimes i irritate you when i care too much about you. I know this thing also but it is who i am and I could not pretend as if i don't care when i know something is wrong.

I know I got a lot of weaknesses and who doesn’t have 1? I know I’m not a sweet talker, so I could not sweet talk you to forgive me. So, I could only leave hope to the time to heal the wound eventhough I know it is not the right way it suppose to be. I want to keep quiet until you cool down yourself because I am afraid that I would make things even worst by saying something that I should not. But sometimes leaving it just like that is what makes things even worst.

It returns..

I thought my life was just going along well until something happen recently. Something has come back hunting me again from my past. The thing has come back again after it has hibernated for a long time. I thought I have forgotten about it and it would not be a matter for me anymore. But I just realize that I still haven’t really forgotten about it. Why do I still remember it? I thought it was over and the case is closed.  

So have I been lying to myself all this time when I thought it is no longer a matter? If I were not lying to myself, then why does that small thing affect me so much? It shouldn’t have caused me affected me so much if I really have forgotten about it since I know it is nothing and the issue is just a small thing. So it looks like I were really were lying to myself all along. Maybe I might be able to forget it fully some day, but today is just not that day. How I wish it will be very soon so that the pain and agony will just go away.  

Why..?

An angel appeared before me one day,

It opened a door of hope eventhough I  did not pray.

It let me see the happiness that can be gained at the other side,

But it would not let me pass through the door of light.

The door is closing slowly as time passes by,

Until I could not even see the other side with all my might.

I want to know what have I done to deserve this suffering and pain, 

is there any other way for me to go the other side again?